I've been thinking for a while now - on a subject to blog about. I've been thinking for a year now, actually. This sort of thing used to come so easily to me. I guess it's because I had all the time in the world on my shoulders to think. To reflect on my life; the direction it was going to take. I didn't know if I should blog about what I'm going to blog about now. I've always hated reflective blogs. But hey, someone else can hate my blog. This is my space and it always will be.
Now I am living one of the futures I played out in my head all those static summer days I spent with my eyes closed, alone in my bed I so badly wanted so badly to get out of in the Philippines. I lived alternate paths in my mind - what if I did this, what if I did that? Now I'm here. Whether it's the future I'm meant to be living is still an unknown entity to me. I know I keep singing the same song, but it's something I dwell on a lot. The decision to come here was definately a life changing one. And when I look back on it now, it was a GIGANTIC decision with equally scary risks. At the time it just felt like something I did. Like something I did everyday because I wanted to.
Sometimes I find myself wanting to go back. Wanting to at least finish what I started there - because at this point in time I find myself starting fires I never put out. I hate it. I hate it because it feels like I have no control over anything I do.
I wish I could have done something with my singing rather than let pride get in the way. I was faced with such an awesome opportunity. Fuck, someone was practically thrusting it into my hands. I just wanted one thing then - I wanted Richard and nothing else. I was literally blinded by love. I couldn't have both so I went with the thing I truly desired. Same goes for modeling. Ahh, I wished I could've stayed to find out what could have happened. I wished I retained my friendship with Luigi, Gabie, Noriel... watched it grow and evolve.
I feel as though I had so much I had to do back there.
Ever since coming to Australia, I feel as though everything I've done, I've gone about doing it the wrong way. Made some bad choices along the way. I don't think theres one thing I've done that's right or good since I've been here, which makes me question myself, my surroundings and the decisions that lead me to where I am right now.
Sometimes - most times - I let myself get to emotionally involved with the little things. That I make so big. I'll sulk. I'll lock myself away. I guess this is the part of me that has remained a little girl while the rest of my grew up to quickly.
Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself because I'm still learning how to do all this grown-up shit without my parents. How to be responsible, how to be good with money, how to clean myself up, how to make friends and stick with them. Why couldn't I have had more time with my dad; why did I choose not to; what the fuck was I doing those 4 months before I left.
Ugh I'm going to do some trial make-up for my ball on Saturday. At least I'll look pretty. And fat.